Valuable Friends
– Musings of Dr. Jamie Hsu, 12.29.2018
In Blog 11, I discussed the “Circles of Friends” and the challenges and joys of developing friendships. According to Dr. Robin Dunbar, a University of Oxford anthropologist and psychologist, the number of friends the average person can have in her social group is about 150. This approximate number is based on the size of an average human brain. Any number beyond that would be too complicated to handle at optimal processing levels.
We can debate if the number is accurate, but the important point is that we do have a limited capacity for establishing and maintaining friendships. Given that fact, maybe it is more important to heed what Confucius has taught us: to have friends who are honest and straight (友直), who are open-minded and forgiving (友諒), and who are learners and knowledgeable (友多闻).
Let’s take a look at why such friends are valuable to our lives:
- 直友- Friends who are honest and straight with us can be our best mirror and sounding board. Sometimes, we may not be aware of our own shortcomings, bad habits or annoying behaviors. A true friend who cares enough about us will muster up the courage to tell us the painful and unpleasant truth, so we can make necessary changes to improve ourselves.
- 諒友- True friends will love you in spite of the shortcomings you have. They understand that no one can be perfect, and they accept you as you are. In front of such friends, you can pour your heart out and share all your stories and experiences without the fear of being judged or stereotyped. It is a liberating and uplifting experience to have heart-to-heart conversations with such friends.
- 多闻友- To enrich one’s life, one must be in the company of friends who are learners and doers. Their knowledge, experience, and insights will broaden our view of the world and elevate us to a higher level of understanding and a broader perspective.
I hope you are surrounded by friends who are honest, trustworthy, open, forgiving, and knowledgeable.
益者三友
-作者 許俊宸博士
-中譯 薛乃綺
在之前Blog 11的時候，我曾經討論過”朋友圈”這個有關發展友誼的挑戰與樂趣。而英國牛津大學演化人類學系教授羅賓 鄧巴認為，一個人平均在社群裡的朋友數量大約只能有150人。這也是人類大腦能夠維持有效人際關係的極限，超過這個數量之後就會過於複雜而無法進行有效的運用和接触。
我們當然可以辯論這個數字是否正確，但重點是人們對於建立和保持友誼的能力是有限制的。如果真是如此，那我們就最好听听孔子对大家的忠告：”要與誠實正直的人為友(友直)”、”要與寬容见諒的人為友(友諒)”、”要與博學多聞的人為友(友多聞)”。
- 直友 – 與我們誠實坦誠的朋友可以成為一面映照自己最好的鏡子及意見徵詢者。有時侯，我們可能沒有意識到自己的缺點、壞習慣或惱人的行徑。一個真正關心我們的朋友會鼓起勇氣告訴我們一些痛苦和不愉快的事實，讓我們能做出必要的改變來讓自己變得更好。
- 諒友 – 真正的朋友是即使你有缺點，他們還是會愛你。他們明白沒有人是完美的，他們會对你一樣的接受。在這樣的朋友面前，你儘可掏心、分享你所有的故事與經歷，而無須擔心被批判或貼標籤。與這樣的朋友進行對話和交往，是一種解放與振奮心靈的經驗。
- 多聞友 – 為了豐富自己的生活，須要與學習者和實踐者的人為伍。他們的知識、經驗及見解，將拓寬我們對世界的看法，並將我們提升到有更高的觀點及更廣泛的視野。
希望你的周遭能有誠實、值得信賴、開明、寬容，及知識淵博的友人們包圍著。
